Masturdating like a pro

I’m not ashamed to admit there have been times throughout my adult life I have engaged in solo play. After all, who else knows exactly what I like and is prepared to pander to my every desire? The problem is as open minded as everyone around me may be, my confession tends to draw looks of shock and sympathy with the most common response being: “You would go to the cinema or a bar by yourself?”

Yes people, I am a proud masturdator. Until recently I had no idea there was a term for what I did other than “Lily no mates” but it seems I’m not the only one who enjoys taking a nice romantic stroll along the South Bank sans company, or putting on a favourite lip-gloss to enjoy a meal at a table for one.

I would even be bold and say stepping out alone is en vogue and travelling in packs should be left to wolves. How many times have you invited friends to take part in an über niche activity only to find yourself with zero RSVPs? If you decided to stay at home and do the ironing instead more fool you. For risk of sounding like an armchair guru: don’t you realise you are living the life other people want to live instead of your own? 

Masturdating can be as liberating as going commando in a sundress on a windy day. How can you not feel like a badass knowing you can do (almost) whatever you like (practically) whenever you like without the need of a chaperone.

Want to join the club but not sure where to start? Here are my top tips for becoming a pro.

Meetup.com is a masturdator’s wet dream. There’s a group for every type of hobby, interest and activity you can imagine. Best of all, most of the people will be rocking up alone just like you.

The cinema is your friend because all you technically have to do is sit in the dark, watch a flick and chomp on popcorn. Perfect for foreign films with subtitles your friends would rather swerve.

Resting bitch face should be kept to a minimum if you a conscious about looking like you may have been stood up. Smile often, but not maniacally, or people will think that’s the reason you have no friends.

Your phone is not a crutch so don’t even think about leaning on it by checking your social media accounts or gassing to friends the whole time you’re out. You’re not truly masturdating if you are still trying to maintain contact with people who are not on your little date.

Going out alone thing is kind of like swimming don’t jump in at the deep end if you know you can’t swim. Being solitaire and shaking your derriere in a club or jetting half way across the world by yourself is no mean feat. That said it’s an amazing way to tick things off your bucket list.

Enjoy